Fly Me To The Moon

...Or Chicago?

Had my interview with Southwest Airlines on Tuesday (for a flight attendant position). It went really well. I received an email not twenty-four hours after informing me that the interview portion went well, and that I'm now waiting for them to complete the background check. Pending acceptance after all that, I go into a "training pool", where I wait for them to call my training class in. They said it would be slated for this fall, but could be sooner. Training is nearly four weeks long, the entire time the trainees are put in a hotel and are in intense training. Upon completion of training, you are then sent to your base (which is determined while in training) for six months of flying reserve (on-call).

So now I'm waiting to hear back from Southwest to see if I've been accepted. I just keep praying that God would continue to open the doors if that's where He wants me and close them if it's not. I ask you to please join me in this prayer, as this is a life-altering opportunity. There is a good possibility that I would be moving to Chicago, Baltimore or Oakland for at least six months for this job - plus this could be my career. It's an amazing opportunity to travel and meet all kinds of new people while I still have relatively no commitments. Everything else in my life hangs on what the outcome of this opportunity is, though. Where I will live, whether or not I continue with school in the fall, in what capacity I continue to serve at church - all of these decisions pend upon what Southwest offers me. I desire now to know what is God's will for me more than anything. Praise my Creator, Who made me with a specific purpose and plan in mind!

Smile (Though Your Heart Is Breaking)

The Village Church is an interesting animal. The Village is the first place I ever heard someone tell me that it is ok to not be ok. People from every walk of life enter the doors of this church. Some enter untouched by the world, others come hardly recognizable for the scarring they have received. Some are open, anxious to share their lives with those around them; others are hesitant, unsure if unconditional love truly exists.

I have had a bizarre year thus far. I am walking a road that has more unexpected twists and turns than I thought possible, and I am consequently going through a rough time of it emotionally and spiritually. The interesting part to me is that, though the Village preaches and encourages honesty with one another, it is extremely difficult to actually live this.
I lamented to a friend last night that I am actually terrified to be honest about what I am experiencing right now with those around me because every time I do, I have Scripture vomited in my face. Ironically (and in God's infinite sense of humor), this friend is going through the same predicament.

I fight already my nature to isolate myself when things become difficult. Through this difficult time, I have been especially trying to be honest and open with those around me. I am terrified of becoming Debbie Downer, of being that person all dread being around, and so I hide and pretend all is fine. I become exhausted by this mask I wear to try to keep from showing the real pain that I feel, though. I tire of not being genuine with my friends and family and so decide to take down my mask. Unfortunately, every time I do (with two or three exceptions), I find myself having Bible verses shoved down my throat with a sugary-sweet coating of "it will be ok" and often a gooey, bitter center of "get over it." While I do not want to come across as not believing these verses or that I don't believe that God can work through these, they aren't helping right now. It seems that every time I am open and honest with how broken I am with someone, they feel an obligation to attempt to "fix" me. I have had so many magical combinations of Scripture and advice thrown at me that, had I chosen to store it up, it would cover the state of Oklahoma. While I (mostly) understand the intent behind these attempts, I am becoming increasingly frustrated that it is not apparently ok for me to not be ok. I know that all things work together for good - but in God's time, which is almost never our own. I know that God is with me always - it's just hard to see Him through this fog of confusion. I know that He hears my cries and answers - but it again in His time, not mine. I know that He made me with a purpose - I just don't see it right now.

While I know that the intentions are good, and I thank them for caring enough for me to try to help, I feel quite simply that they are affirming that I am not acceptable in my present state. I'm broken and hurting and I wish to be able to just talk it out - without being made to feel completely inadequate. I just don't know what to do right now. I don't know where I am, or how I came to this place. I don't know who I am, or who I'm supposed to become. The only thing I know is that my Maker has a plan even when I can't see it. Praise God for friends who have shown me true unconditional love and acceptance while praying for me to find the answers.

Oh, how I long for
That day where I’ll run with my Maker, My King my Creator
The Lover and Savior of my soul
That day where my faith will be sight, I’ll know not by might
But by grace I’ve been set free, I’ve been set free

How Great Thou Art

Last night on my way home, I decided to turn on the classical station. A beautiful choir serenading me in French, I looked out my windshield to see lightning off in the distance. As I neared home, the lightning picked up with the opera's soft crescendos and decrescendos. When I turned into our driveway, I was suddenly overwhelmed as God's beauty and magnificence filled my senses. I looked to see stars above me, lightning on the horizon and the beautiful music filled my ears. It was indescribably beautiful.

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

How To Save A Life

I feel broken, out of sync. A part of me has been lost somewhere in the last two months and I'd like to order the replacement except..I don't know which part it was.

I've been under much attack since the beginning of this year. First, my stalker: the Enemy offering me the perfect opportunity to revert to my nature to fear and anxiety. Next, financial trials: every past experience would lead one to believe that I would use this as an excuse to doubt what God is doing in my life - and occasionally if He was even there. Though these are still very unresolved, I am leaning on God to handle the situation as I realize my own incompetence. Then came the instability: having to leave the apartment I called home behind and stay with my family, unsure of whether to continue in the jobs I now have or pursue other opportunities, and the resulting question of what to do with school next semester. At this point, I have freaked completely out every other time in my life. It is literally but by the grace of God that I have not had a nervous break-down thus far. *This is probably the point where I should mention that I was diagnosed as having a slight anxiety disorder this time last year by my doctor. I stopped taking the medication prescribed for me last October - I can't give you a valid reason why.* Finally, came the straw that broke this camel's back: bitterness. Without going into great detail, I will briefly explain that a friend spoke hurtful words to me, and I responded in like kind. And in letting that bitterness begin to seep into my heart, in deciding to be hurt and angry by what I felt I didn't deserve, everything else slowly began to spiral out of control.
I ended up in a shouting match with my dad yesterday afternoon (that was quickly and peacefully resolved) that ended with me walking outside while he was still talking to me and hyperventilating for two minutes on the deck. Like a flood, the old feelings came back: panic, fear, doubt - my old bedfellows. Unwelcome, unwanted, and yet still there. All because I didn't give something over to my Father. Since yesterday, I feel something is off-kilter. My dad said something that stuck with me and has caused much subsequent introspection. Do I wish to be angry? Do I jump too quickly at the opportunity to feel hurt? I have no call to feel wronged, no justifiable reason to nurse wounds that I have in all honesty inflicted upon myself.

There is still so very much going on in my life right now - and not enough. There is uncertainty nearly everywhere I turn, but God is always there, always in control, always waiting for me to give it all to Him. I feel alone and misunderstood, yet I don't open up to the community around me and share my burdens and fears. (I suppose most of that is because I am weary of the "friends of Job" who have promised me that all will soon "be ok" for the last two years.) I don't have the answers, and yet my Bible lays unopened until Sunday. No, I am not going to find the magic combination or key to figuring my life out, but I will know more about my Creator and His character. What more do I really need to know in this life but how to glorify Him? This is not a blog that magically fixes everything. This is just me writing, venting, trying to understand what's going on inside of me.