Smile (Though Your Heart Is Breaking)

The Village Church is an interesting animal. The Village is the first place I ever heard someone tell me that it is ok to not be ok. People from every walk of life enter the doors of this church. Some enter untouched by the world, others come hardly recognizable for the scarring they have received. Some are open, anxious to share their lives with those around them; others are hesitant, unsure if unconditional love truly exists.

I have had a bizarre year thus far. I am walking a road that has more unexpected twists and turns than I thought possible, and I am consequently going through a rough time of it emotionally and spiritually. The interesting part to me is that, though the Village preaches and encourages honesty with one another, it is extremely difficult to actually live this.
I lamented to a friend last night that I am actually terrified to be honest about what I am experiencing right now with those around me because every time I do, I have Scripture vomited in my face. Ironically (and in God's infinite sense of humor), this friend is going through the same predicament.

I fight already my nature to isolate myself when things become difficult. Through this difficult time, I have been especially trying to be honest and open with those around me. I am terrified of becoming Debbie Downer, of being that person all dread being around, and so I hide and pretend all is fine. I become exhausted by this mask I wear to try to keep from showing the real pain that I feel, though. I tire of not being genuine with my friends and family and so decide to take down my mask. Unfortunately, every time I do (with two or three exceptions), I find myself having Bible verses shoved down my throat with a sugary-sweet coating of "it will be ok" and often a gooey, bitter center of "get over it." While I do not want to come across as not believing these verses or that I don't believe that God can work through these, they aren't helping right now. It seems that every time I am open and honest with how broken I am with someone, they feel an obligation to attempt to "fix" me. I have had so many magical combinations of Scripture and advice thrown at me that, had I chosen to store it up, it would cover the state of Oklahoma. While I (mostly) understand the intent behind these attempts, I am becoming increasingly frustrated that it is not apparently ok for me to not be ok. I know that all things work together for good - but in God's time, which is almost never our own. I know that God is with me always - it's just hard to see Him through this fog of confusion. I know that He hears my cries and answers - but it again in His time, not mine. I know that He made me with a purpose - I just don't see it right now.

While I know that the intentions are good, and I thank them for caring enough for me to try to help, I feel quite simply that they are affirming that I am not acceptable in my present state. I'm broken and hurting and I wish to be able to just talk it out - without being made to feel completely inadequate. I just don't know what to do right now. I don't know where I am, or how I came to this place. I don't know who I am, or who I'm supposed to become. The only thing I know is that my Maker has a plan even when I can't see it. Praise God for friends who have shown me true unconditional love and acceptance while praying for me to find the answers.

Oh, how I long for
That day where I’ll run with my Maker, My King my Creator
The Lover and Savior of my soul
That day where my faith will be sight, I’ll know not by might
But by grace I’ve been set free, I’ve been set free