How To Save A Life

I feel broken, out of sync. A part of me has been lost somewhere in the last two months and I'd like to order the replacement except..I don't know which part it was.

I've been under much attack since the beginning of this year. First, my stalker: the Enemy offering me the perfect opportunity to revert to my nature to fear and anxiety. Next, financial trials: every past experience would lead one to believe that I would use this as an excuse to doubt what God is doing in my life - and occasionally if He was even there. Though these are still very unresolved, I am leaning on God to handle the situation as I realize my own incompetence. Then came the instability: having to leave the apartment I called home behind and stay with my family, unsure of whether to continue in the jobs I now have or pursue other opportunities, and the resulting question of what to do with school next semester. At this point, I have freaked completely out every other time in my life. It is literally but by the grace of God that I have not had a nervous break-down thus far. *This is probably the point where I should mention that I was diagnosed as having a slight anxiety disorder this time last year by my doctor. I stopped taking the medication prescribed for me last October - I can't give you a valid reason why.* Finally, came the straw that broke this camel's back: bitterness. Without going into great detail, I will briefly explain that a friend spoke hurtful words to me, and I responded in like kind. And in letting that bitterness begin to seep into my heart, in deciding to be hurt and angry by what I felt I didn't deserve, everything else slowly began to spiral out of control.
I ended up in a shouting match with my dad yesterday afternoon (that was quickly and peacefully resolved) that ended with me walking outside while he was still talking to me and hyperventilating for two minutes on the deck. Like a flood, the old feelings came back: panic, fear, doubt - my old bedfellows. Unwelcome, unwanted, and yet still there. All because I didn't give something over to my Father. Since yesterday, I feel something is off-kilter. My dad said something that stuck with me and has caused much subsequent introspection. Do I wish to be angry? Do I jump too quickly at the opportunity to feel hurt? I have no call to feel wronged, no justifiable reason to nurse wounds that I have in all honesty inflicted upon myself.

There is still so very much going on in my life right now - and not enough. There is uncertainty nearly everywhere I turn, but God is always there, always in control, always waiting for me to give it all to Him. I feel alone and misunderstood, yet I don't open up to the community around me and share my burdens and fears. (I suppose most of that is because I am weary of the "friends of Job" who have promised me that all will soon "be ok" for the last two years.) I don't have the answers, and yet my Bible lays unopened until Sunday. No, I am not going to find the magic combination or key to figuring my life out, but I will know more about my Creator and His character. What more do I really need to know in this life but how to glorify Him? This is not a blog that magically fixes everything. This is just me writing, venting, trying to understand what's going on inside of me.