Tonight, after visiting the Star Wars exhibit at the Fort Worth Museum of Science, Daddy and Robbie and I (since Mom and Mary are in CA) went to my Grandma's home for dinner. Joe and Carolyn Shirley were in town, dear friends of the family who had been my grandparents' neighbors when I was very young. It was the second time they had visited in the last few months, their first visit being the first time they'd seen since my Grandpa's funeral two and a half years ago. Amongst the fried chicken and laughter and stories I felt slightly melancholy, but couldn't figure out why.
It was after dinner, when I joined the adults at the kitchen table for coffee that I finally realized what was bothering me. I pulled up a chair and joined in the conversation that ranged from Congressman Sam Johnson to hurricanes to churches. And I realized. I was a part of the conversation. I put in my two cents, kept pace, and was listened to. And suddenly, all I could think of was Grandpa should be here. I should still be sitting quietly listening between him and Grandma. Memories of very similar nights flooded my mind and I could almost feel his rough hands rubbing my arm as I sat next to him. I tried to maintain my composure at the table and push back the tears that quickly filled my eyes, not wanting to have to explain myself if I was noticed. It was completely foreign to me, though it was not new - I don't know if that makes sense. The familiar smell of coffee, the Shirleys, Daddy laughing...but no Grandpa. It was wrong, and I wanted to be able to scream that outside at the top of my lungs. I keep crying at the unfairness and confusion of it all.
Most days now - two and a half years later - I am fine. But there are some days that I miss him so very much. There are so many memories...Looking for sand dollars on the beach, holding his hand next to him on the couch, his welcome everytime we would come to visit. I miss him still. And when I think clearly, I remember to be glad that he is no longer in such intense suffering and pain. But the day cannot come soon enough when I can leave this earth behind and meet my Creator and rejoin my Grandpa, who will greet me with his big hug. And maybe, just maybe, we'll walk beside the water again.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Kryptonite
Hello, my name is Emily...and I have a Superman complex. I think I'm invincible. It's probably my biggest downfall. I've been afflicted by this since I was a child. It is the reason I have a small scar above my left eye: when your parents tell you to not jump on the bed, it's for a good reason. It is the reason I contracted pneumonia my senior year of high school: sleep, apparently, is necessary. It is the reason several romantic relationships have failed: just saying that God is involved does not make it so. It is the reason I'm never as close to God as I wish to be. I think I have super powers that make me stronger than I am. For this reason, I never run to God unless and until I have exhausted all other options. Why? Why do I continually do this to myself?
My little cousin Deanna is five years old now and has been independent since the day she was born. After her mother and grandma, Deanna shares the closest bond with me. Even with this strong love, there are countless times that she will not let me help her. Her favorite response to anything you tell her is I know. You cannot try to share a secret, a joke or an instruction without receiving the I know. She has exhausted herself several times trying to prove her independence before finally acquiescing and allowing me to help her in tasks, though I usually have to ask if she wants help for ten minutes. I stand back and wonder why she does not see that she cannot do it on her own. Why won't she let me help her and save her so much time and effort and pain? In my clear-headed and humble days, I see so much of my relationship with our Father in this. I do not think this is what God meant when He said we are to have a childlike faith. For some reason, however, I cannot seem to consistantly remember that I need help.
God, in His ultimate wisdom and patience, has been working in my heart again this week in spite of me. Issues in the last months have been leading up to it: my health problems, relationships, Matt's Salt and Light sermons - I think all have been not so subtle ways that God is showing me my own spiritual and physical mortality. These events have have all had the potential to bring me closer to Him or to decide that I think my plans are better than His. I wish I could say that I've chosen the former more frequently. It's so ironic that I find myself explaining how I think the Father is using these events to show me His Love and plan(s) in one place and becoming increasingly frustrated with His lack of action in another. While I profess humility to one group of people, on my own I practice my imagined super powers of strength, wisdom and patience. I wonder if God laughs at this or is just saddened. This week, though, He has been reminding me that He is here with me and in control of all - whether I like it or not. Praise God for the moments when He will not let me run anymore.
Last night, I had a brief but fantastic conversation with a very dear friend whom God used extroardinarily. This friend, though I'm sure they do not know it, spoke encouragement and life back into my heart. They reminded me that I've been trying to be a superhero and that in doing so, I have been harming my own well being spiritually and emotionally. I have not been waiting on His perfect timing and have consequently set myself up for failure. To this friend, I have not the words to truly thank you for all that you do, for being a part of my life, and for loving me enough to tell me when you smell smoke.
As I dwelt upon my illusions of grandeur and the Truth last night and this morning, God decided to make sure I'm receiving the message and sent me another reminder of His wisdom in the form of a text message. My small group leader sent me a scripture reference as I was finishing up the first paragraph of this blog that left me speechless and fully aware of God's sense of humor.
"7But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 (ESV, emphasis mine)
So I am human. I will fail to meet His standards daily on my own. I will fail my friends and family and obligations daily on my own. I am not great, but His grace is. I am not invinceble - because that is how I and those around me are reminded that His death alone is enough to make it through this life and into the next. And so I need help putting this into practice. I need prayer, I need encouragement, I need true friends to tell me when they smell smoke. The road ahead of me is not an easy one. But perhaps it is rough to remind me..that I cannot do it alone.
Come ye sinners poor and needy
Weak and wounded sick and sore
Jesus ready stands to save you
Full of pity, love, and power
Come ye thirsty come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
And every grace that brings you nigh
I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in his arms
And in the arms of my dear saviour
There are ten thousand charms
Come ye weary heavy laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry until you're better
You will never come at all...
My little cousin Deanna is five years old now and has been independent since the day she was born. After her mother and grandma, Deanna shares the closest bond with me. Even with this strong love, there are countless times that she will not let me help her. Her favorite response to anything you tell her is I know. You cannot try to share a secret, a joke or an instruction without receiving the I know. She has exhausted herself several times trying to prove her independence before finally acquiescing and allowing me to help her in tasks, though I usually have to ask if she wants help for ten minutes. I stand back and wonder why she does not see that she cannot do it on her own. Why won't she let me help her and save her so much time and effort and pain? In my clear-headed and humble days, I see so much of my relationship with our Father in this. I do not think this is what God meant when He said we are to have a childlike faith. For some reason, however, I cannot seem to consistantly remember that I need help.
God, in His ultimate wisdom and patience, has been working in my heart again this week in spite of me. Issues in the last months have been leading up to it: my health problems, relationships, Matt's Salt and Light sermons - I think all have been not so subtle ways that God is showing me my own spiritual and physical mortality. These events have have all had the potential to bring me closer to Him or to decide that I think my plans are better than His. I wish I could say that I've chosen the former more frequently. It's so ironic that I find myself explaining how I think the Father is using these events to show me His Love and plan(s) in one place and becoming increasingly frustrated with His lack of action in another. While I profess humility to one group of people, on my own I practice my imagined super powers of strength, wisdom and patience. I wonder if God laughs at this or is just saddened. This week, though, He has been reminding me that He is here with me and in control of all - whether I like it or not. Praise God for the moments when He will not let me run anymore.
Last night, I had a brief but fantastic conversation with a very dear friend whom God used extroardinarily. This friend, though I'm sure they do not know it, spoke encouragement and life back into my heart. They reminded me that I've been trying to be a superhero and that in doing so, I have been harming my own well being spiritually and emotionally. I have not been waiting on His perfect timing and have consequently set myself up for failure. To this friend, I have not the words to truly thank you for all that you do, for being a part of my life, and for loving me enough to tell me when you smell smoke.
As I dwelt upon my illusions of grandeur and the Truth last night and this morning, God decided to make sure I'm receiving the message and sent me another reminder of His wisdom in the form of a text message. My small group leader sent me a scripture reference as I was finishing up the first paragraph of this blog that left me speechless and fully aware of God's sense of humor.
"7But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 (ESV, emphasis mine)
So I am human. I will fail to meet His standards daily on my own. I will fail my friends and family and obligations daily on my own. I am not great, but His grace is. I am not invinceble - because that is how I and those around me are reminded that His death alone is enough to make it through this life and into the next. And so I need help putting this into practice. I need prayer, I need encouragement, I need true friends to tell me when they smell smoke. The road ahead of me is not an easy one. But perhaps it is rough to remind me..that I cannot do it alone.
Come ye sinners poor and needy
Weak and wounded sick and sore
Jesus ready stands to save you
Full of pity, love, and power
Come ye thirsty come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
And every grace that brings you nigh
I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in his arms
And in the arms of my dear saviour
There are ten thousand charms
Come ye weary heavy laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry until you're better
You will never come at all...
Monday, July 23, 2007
It's Been A While
...Since I blogged. Mm...so much to write, so little time.
First off? My heart condition is still unknown. I'm now working with a new cardiologist after the first tried to off me with meds (thankfully I didn't take any as they were for "life-threatening arhythmias"). Though I'm having to start over again at square one, both doctors have agreed now that whatever is wrong with me is not life-threatening. I'm now wearing another heart monitor for two weeks. I feel sexy, let me tell you.
My biggest problem since this began a month ago has been frustration. I'm frustrated that I can barely walk across a room without my heart rate excelerrating and beating too hard. I'm frustrated that I'm so exhuasted that I can't make it to church because I'm concerned about the drive home. I'm frustrated that because I can basically only drive to work and back I never get to see my friends anymore. I feel very isolated and rather pointless right now. I know that God has a plan in all of this, and I try to constantly remind myself that He who created and holds my heart knows exactly what is happening to it. Most days this is enough.
I'm still working at the Blue Goose (in Plano) as a hostess and am also still out in "the 'Ville" with my family. I'm registering for classes this week, Lord willing, and will likely be commuting to UNT in the fall. Because of the recent health issues, I have sadly had to step down from serving with the amazing Kids Village staff. I have absolutely adored working with all of the gifted musicians and leaders. It was a very hard decision for me to make, and I hope to someday be able to serve there again. I will be continuing to serve on the Village Crew running the visual media once a month.
Mkay I believe that's all this poor mind can come up with for now. I promise to blog again sooner next time.
First off? My heart condition is still unknown. I'm now working with a new cardiologist after the first tried to off me with meds (thankfully I didn't take any as they were for "life-threatening arhythmias"). Though I'm having to start over again at square one, both doctors have agreed now that whatever is wrong with me is not life-threatening. I'm now wearing another heart monitor for two weeks. I feel sexy, let me tell you.
My biggest problem since this began a month ago has been frustration. I'm frustrated that I can barely walk across a room without my heart rate excelerrating and beating too hard. I'm frustrated that I'm so exhuasted that I can't make it to church because I'm concerned about the drive home. I'm frustrated that because I can basically only drive to work and back I never get to see my friends anymore. I feel very isolated and rather pointless right now. I know that God has a plan in all of this, and I try to constantly remind myself that He who created and holds my heart knows exactly what is happening to it. Most days this is enough.
I'm still working at the Blue Goose (in Plano) as a hostess and am also still out in "the 'Ville" with my family. I'm registering for classes this week, Lord willing, and will likely be commuting to UNT in the fall. Because of the recent health issues, I have sadly had to step down from serving with the amazing Kids Village staff. I have absolutely adored working with all of the gifted musicians and leaders. It was a very hard decision for me to make, and I hope to someday be able to serve there again. I will be continuing to serve on the Village Crew running the visual media once a month.
Mkay I believe that's all this poor mind can come up with for now. I promise to blog again sooner next time.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
MVP (it's not what you think)
Mitral Valve Prolapse - my heart defect has a name (my doctor calls it an "extra heartbeat"). After 48 hours of monitoring, an echo cardiogram (I got to see my heart!), bloodwork and weeks of frustration, my cardiologist has determined that this is the problem. (Click here for more information) I was on medication for the last two weeks to try to treat it, but the prescription was less than ideal for me and so today I was given another to try. For most people, MVP is nothing more than a slight annoyance at times - many people go their whole lives not knowing they have it - but unfortunately for me, it's an actual physical limitation. So I'm being given meds to try to correct the irregularity and am supposed to drink more fluids (though I don't know how I can drink more!) and try to walk more. Oh, and remain as stress-free as possible. Ha!
I cannot thank you enough for the constant prayer and for the few phone calls I have received in the last month. They have meant the absolute world over as I have felt completely disconnected from all of my friends and increasingly frustrated and lonely since this began. I sincerely hope that this new medication helps me so that I can begin living my life normally again. I love you all!
I cannot thank you enough for the constant prayer and for the few phone calls I have received in the last month. They have meant the absolute world over as I have felt completely disconnected from all of my friends and increasingly frustrated and lonely since this began. I sincerely hope that this new medication helps me so that I can begin living my life normally again. I love you all!
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