Big Girls Don't Cry

Tonight, after visiting the Star Wars exhibit at the Fort Worth Museum of Science, Daddy and Robbie and I (since Mom and Mary are in CA) went to my Grandma's home for dinner. Joe and Carolyn Shirley were in town, dear friends of the family who had been my grandparents' neighbors when I was very young. It was the second time they had visited in the last few months, their first visit being the first time they'd seen since my Grandpa's funeral two and a half years ago. Amongst the fried chicken and laughter and stories I felt slightly melancholy, but couldn't figure out why.

It was after dinner, when I joined the adults at the kitchen table for coffee that I finally realized what was bothering me. I pulled up a chair and joined in the conversation that ranged from Congressman Sam Johnson to hurricanes to churches. And I realized. I was a part of the conversation. I put in my two cents, kept pace, and was listened to. And suddenly, all I could think of was Grandpa should be here. I should still be sitting quietly listening between him and Grandma. Memories of very similar nights flooded my mind and I could almost feel his rough hands rubbing my arm as I sat next to him. I tried to maintain my composure at the table and push back the tears that quickly filled my eyes, not wanting to have to explain myself if I was noticed. It was completely foreign to me, though it was not new - I don't know if that makes sense. The familiar smell of coffee, the Shirleys, Daddy laughing...but no Grandpa. It was wrong, and I wanted to be able to scream that outside at the top of my lungs. I keep crying at the unfairness and confusion of it all.

Most days now - two and a half years later - I am fine. But there are some days that I miss him so very much. There are so many memories...Looking for sand dollars on the beach, holding his hand next to him on the couch, his welcome everytime we would come to visit. I miss him still. And when I think clearly, I remember to be glad that he is no longer in such intense suffering and pain. But the day cannot come soon enough when I can leave this earth behind and meet my Creator and rejoin my Grandpa, who will greet me with his big hug. And maybe, just maybe, we'll walk beside the water again.