Kryptonite

Hello, my name is Emily...and I have a Superman complex. I think I'm invincible. It's probably my biggest downfall. I've been afflicted by this since I was a child. It is the reason I have a small scar above my left eye: when your parents tell you to not jump on the bed, it's for a good reason. It is the reason I contracted pneumonia my senior year of high school: sleep, apparently, is necessary. It is the reason several romantic relationships have failed: just saying that God is involved does not make it so. It is the reason I'm never as close to God as I wish to be. I think I have super powers that make me stronger than I am. For this reason, I never run to God unless and until I have exhausted all other options. Why? Why do I continually do this to myself?

My little cousin Deanna is five years old now and has been independent since the day she was born. After her mother and grandma, Deanna shares the closest bond with me. Even with this strong love, there are countless times that she will not let me help her. Her favorite response to anything you tell her is I know. You cannot try to share a secret, a joke or an instruction without receiving the I know. She has exhausted herself several times trying to prove her independence before finally acquiescing and allowing me to help her in tasks, though I usually have to ask if she wants help for ten minutes. I stand back and wonder why she does not see that she cannot do it on her own. Why won't she let me help her and save her so much time and effort and pain? In my clear-headed and humble days, I see so much of my relationship with our Father in this. I do not think this is what God meant when He said we are to have a childlike faith. For some reason, however, I cannot seem to consistantly remember that I need help.

God, in His ultimate wisdom and patience, has been working in my heart again this week in spite of me. Issues in the last months have been leading up to it: my health problems, relationships, Matt's Salt and Light sermons - I think all have been not so subtle ways that God is showing me my own spiritual and physical mortality. These events have have all had the potential to bring me closer to Him or to decide that I think my plans are better than His. I wish I could say that I've chosen the former more frequently. It's so ironic that I find myself explaining how I think the Father is using these events to show me His Love and plan(s) in one place and becoming increasingly frustrated with His lack of action in another. While I profess humility to one group of people, on my own I practice my imagined super powers of strength, wisdom and patience. I wonder if God laughs at this or is just saddened. This week, though, He has been reminding me that He is here with me and in control of all - whether I like it or not. Praise God for the moments when He will not let me run anymore.
Last night, I had a brief but fantastic conversation with a very dear friend whom God used extroardinarily. This friend, though I'm sure they do not know it, spoke encouragement and life back into my heart. They reminded me that I've been trying to be a superhero and that in doing so, I have been harming my own well being spiritually and emotionally. I have not been waiting on His perfect timing and have consequently set myself up for failure. To this friend, I have not the words to truly thank you for all that you do, for being a part of my life, and for loving me enough to tell me when you smell smoke.

As I dwelt upon my illusions of grandeur and the Truth last night and this morning, God decided to make sure I'm receiving the message and sent me another reminder of His wisdom in the form of a text message. My small group leader sent me a scripture reference as I was finishing up the first paragraph of this blog that left me speechless and fully aware of God's sense of humor.
"7But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 (ESV, emphasis mine)

So I am human. I will fail to meet His standards daily on my own. I will fail my friends and family and obligations daily on my own. I am not great, but His grace is. I am not invinceble - because that is how I and those around me are reminded that His death alone is enough to make it through this life and into the next. And so I need help putting this into practice. I need prayer, I need encouragement, I need true friends to tell me when they smell smoke. The road ahead of me is not an easy one. But perhaps it is rough to remind me..that I cannot do it alone.

Come ye sinners poor and needy
Weak and wounded sick and sore
Jesus ready stands to save you
Full of pity, love, and power

Come ye thirsty come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
And every grace that brings you nigh

I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in his arms
And in the arms of my dear saviour
There are ten thousand charms

Come ye weary heavy laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry until you're better
You will never come at all...