Don't Phunk With My Heart

The diagnosis (thus far):
I finally heard back from my cardiologist's nurse yesterday who informed me that I do have Mitral Valve Prolapse (in short, one of the valves in my lower chambers doesn't push all of the blood back out of my heart like it's supposed to). Typically, this condition is treated with anticoagulants (blood thinners) or beta blockers (to lower blood pressure), but neither of these are a good idea for me. In worst-case conditions, surgery for valve repair or replacement is recommended. My condition, however, is minor enough that there won't be treatment, but serious enough that I have to go in annually for an echo cardiogram (a sonogram of the heart) to make sure that it has not worsened. Lastly, the doctor has determined that the symptoms I have had for the last nearly three months are not being caused by the heart condition.

What this means:
I have an appointment to go back to back to my family doctor next Tuesday morning to take the next steps in finding out what's going on. The most popular theory (by friends and family) right now is a thyroid imbalance. The other theory is a hormonal imbalance. I do not think the latter is a possibility, however, as this has been constant for the last several months, with no fluctuations as most hormonal problems do. I don't know what my doctor will wish to do or where we begin.

How you can pray:
* For discernment for the doctors involved. We have eliminated one possibility, so please pray that they would know where to begin and might find the root of my problem as quickly as possible.
* For strength...
A) Because I am really struggling with frustration, as this has been a constant issue for three months. I am exhuasted pysically, mentally and emotionally. I find it bizzarre and ironic that sometimes it is hard for me to lean only on Him - even when it's the only way to survive.
B) Because I am really struggling without community. Living out in "Egypt" with my parents and not always having the strength to drive have caused me to be cut off almost completely from my cherished friends and church family. I have gone through anger, tears, lonliness and apathy. I realize now how little time everyone really has these days. Please pray that God would be enough for me and that I would not look to men for comfort or support.

As always, I cannot thank you enough for the prayer coverage I have received. I actually was able to, by the grace of God, go six days without a major incident a week ago. I love you all.

It Is Well?

*I really don't expect anyone to read this -- unless you really want an overly-detailed explanation of what I know of my health problems. Mostly, this is just me venting.

I want the jerk who must have prayed for patience for me to show their face. I have a few choice words for you!
I'm so terribly frustrated right now! I received a message from my cardiologist's nurse yesterday, informing me that they had the results from my last echocardiogram (my second in two months). Input and output are fine, she informed me, but I do have some mitral valve prolapse. (In short, an "output" valve that doesn't push all of the blood through like it's supposed to. Wikipedia it if you want to know more.) The doctor hadn't looked at the results yet (then why the heck are you calling me?!), but everything looked to be fine. I attempted to call her back and left a message asking to have my doctor, specifically, call me back or schedule another appointment when he knew the diagnosis, good, bad, or indifferent. She called me back and said that they had an opening for me to come in this Friday morning. Great! Except I have a jury summons. Well then, the next opening she had was....next Thursday. Seriously?? I finally explained to her that I'm becoming very frustrated because nobody has been able to tell me for sure whether my recent health issues are a cardiac problem or not. If they aren't cardiac related, then I'd like to know so that I can go back into my family doctor and begin figuring out what it is. Well, there is some mitral valve prolapse (MVP) but she thought the doctor deemed it to be low enough to not be concerned, but he does want me to come back in after a few months to ensure that it hasn't worsened. She'd talk to the doctor and call me back. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So I called my family doctor and now have an appointment for next Tuesday morning to begin to try to figure out what is going on with my body. From what I've heard from a handful of people, if this is not a cardiac issue at its root, it looks to be more like a thyroid imbalance - a pretty simple fix. I hope it's something as easy as that..though I think if I'm completely honest, I'd be a little frustrated that it's something as simple as that after all of this time.
I've been struggling with these issues for almost three months now. For three months, the root of my exhaustion, tachycardia, chest pains, etc. have remained unknown. This has been beyond frustrating for me. I've struggled with anger, fear, worry, anxiety; felt joy, peace, reassurance. This has definitely been one of the more trying times of my life. I'm learning a lot - I cannot and will not deny that. But neither can I lie and say that I'm "fine" right now. I have peace that my God knows what my body is doing and frustration that I do not yet know how and if it can be corrected. I know that I probably do not have it quite as bad as I think I do, but neither is this a walk in the park. I'm growing more weary, becoming tired of fighting all of this mess. Jesus, please help me! I can't do this on my own fading strength.

Make my prayer
Whatever my lot,
Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul...

I feel weighted and I'm not sure why. Do you ever have those moments where you just feel heavy and you don't know why? Of late, this is the point where I would break out my journal and just write until I figured out what is going on. My journal is at home, however, and I'm not. I'm sitting in the sound booth above the sanctuary listening to Matt yell at the 5:00 service. Hypocrisy. What a word. I feel that it describes me better than any other word. If anything, this series on masculinity has shown me my short comings and hypocrisies.

But I don't feel that this is what is weighing on my soul right now. So what is? Maybe it's the feeling of being overwhelmed. I know so many areas I need to adjust or change completely now. My last two posts can verify that. But how do I go from the knowledge to the action? I find it laughable that people have thought me to be a good example! Me. Fallen, broken, disappointing. And please don't misunderstand: I'm not throwing a pity party - I'm suffering a revelation. I've suddenly realized that my life is not going as swimmingly as I thought it was -- and I didn't think it was going terribly well! What I thought was a little junk in my closet has suddenly been revealed to have overflowed and fills my whole house. Has anyone else had that day? It's so overwhelming! How on earth did I get here? How does this happen? It wasn't all at once, I know that for certain. More importantly though, how do I leave this place?

I've become frustrated by the feast of questions and famine of answers. God, I need your help.

I Stand Amazed (Part 2)

I feel like someone went into my head and turned what was there to scrambled eggs. It's all just a big, confusing heap of mush. Please, God, give me a day without thinking so my poor brain can heal...

So just in case the first week of the Masculinity series wasn't enough, God (via Matt) decided to throw this week at us. I've had so many jumbled-up thoughts swirling about in my head for the last two weeks now. When I try to talk to others about this series and how it's been affecting me, the typical response I get is, "You do know he's talking to the men, right?" Yes, I know that. God has been revealing a lot to me in spite of that though, it would seem. This Sunday brought even more painful revelations - and a lot of humility.
First off, I need to apologize to the men in my life to whom I have not been an encouragement. There are several specific men who will receive direct and detailed apologies because they have had to deal with me more. To the rest, I sincerely and from the bottom of my heart apologize if I have discouraged you or nagged. How frequently in my life I have done this! It is not at all a pleasant feeling to have someone tell you that you have been entirely the wrong kind of person until now. How hard it is to hear what you've done wrong in probably every relationship, both romantic and platonic. I need to be a woman who breathes life into the souls of the men whom God places in my life.
God's revealed a lot of junk in my life just since Sunday. Yesterday found me journaling for nearly five pages just trying to understand what's going on within me. I told a dear friend that I often become frustrated, as it feels that my journal is more full of questions than anything else. Pour example, one week Matt insists that we do not need another person to be complete. Agreed. But then the next week, he tells us that Adam was not finished until he had a "suitable" helper? So I'm supposed to be discontent with being single, as I'm not designed to be this way, but I'm supposed to be content with being single because this is how God wants me right now? Where is the balance and how does one find it?
And then He reveals that I don't trust Him enough with my relationships (particularly romantic). It seems so ridiculously simple a sentence. I can assure you that it was not so simple to realize. We're talking really rough. It's taken me three to four years to understand this! Three or four years of jacking up relationships and a horrible cycle of hurting both myself and others. Why? Why did it take so long? Why do I do this? So from here I trust more. How on earth do I do this?? "Pray" and "read the Bible" aren't going to work here. I need real, honest, practical answers. It will only be by His grace that I am given the strength, perseverance and endurance to truly trust Him with this.
And just in case all of this wasn't enough, there was Crew Quarterly last night. (The worship teams from church are going through Wayne Grudem's Christian Beliefs: 20 Basics Every Christian Should Know together under Bleecker's leadership.) We met to discuss creation vs. evolution. My goodness! There was so much to digest! I'm not altogether sure that I understood everything and will most definitely have to go back over the twenty-one pages to try to soak it all up. The one thing I did understand clearly, though, was that our God is so good! How gracious and merciful and compassionate He is to provide us with evidences of His plan and creation. He doesn't have to leave us any, but He does! And what we are allowed to see is only a microscopic level. How big, how magnificent, how beautiful He is.

These are just some of the thoughts swimming about in the muck that is my mind. It's been a rough week, and it's only Tuesday. This is hard, this is painful, and this is frustrating. To see how much I need to change, to not know entirely how to begin it, and to still have so many ambiguous questions lurking in the corners, just waiting for an unsuspecting moment to jump out and pounce upon me. Praise God for His revelation, though. These are not comfortable thoughts, but how gracious He is to reveal them to me and not leave me to my own devices. It's hard and it hurts, but it is so much better than complacency. My mind is exhuasted and stretched to its limits. All I can think to end this is praise His glorious name.

I Stand Amazed (Part 1)

Man. Two days later and I'm still exhausted. Matt's sermon on Sunday* was absolutely unbelievable. He wasn't even addressing the women directly for but ten minutes, and I walked away emotionally, mentally and spiritually wiped out!

I'll be completely honest: I don't know that I've given men full credit for the unbelievable hard role they have in life before Sunday night. It was so enlightening to take an in-depth look at how and why man was cursed when creation fell. To have everything within me on some deep level wishing to constantly cultivate and grow and perfect (which explains now why men are always trying to "fix" the problems women have) and to have everything on this planet fighting against that...I don't envy it at all. I think that, as a woman, having the innate desire to nurture is much easier - comparatively speaking at least.

When Matt began to talk about his daughter and how she fights him when he tries to protect her and provide her with ultimate joy, I started crying. To see him acting out what I do every single day to my God was so hard and yet so joyful. I don't know that I've seen it like that before. God wishes to be the ultimate provider of my joy - and yet when He does not do that in the manner that I, with my finite and temporal vision, see fit, I rail against or run away from Him. It is so trite and ridiculous! To see me, shaking my fists at God?? I wonder if He sees the humor in it or is only saddened. A very dear friend said before the service that she felt like Gomer (read Hosea). I made light of it at the time, but by the time the service was done it was no longer a light matter at all. I am Gomer. I am the adulterous woman who runs away time and again, only to have my Love chasing after me, waiting, providing for my needs and loving me all the while not just in spite of who I am, but because of who I am. It's mind-boggling. It makes no sense at all on any level.

I mean, if I'm honest with myself and anyone else, if I were in the same situation I know that I wouldn't continue to love that person with all of my being. I would give up! But He, my Beautiful and Merciful Savior, does not. How beautiful, how exquisite is that picture? When I have finally run myself ragged, when I am finally too exhausted to fight Him anymore, when I am too weak to continue and find myself out in the desert, He is right there waiting for me. He will quench my thirst like no drink on this earth, He will hold me and comfort me like no man ever could, He will sustain me like no thing created, and He will love me beyond my comprehension. How good, how perfect, how deserving of our praise He is.

I want to expound upon this idea more, but I've worn myself out again. More later...

*If you missed out this weekend for any reason, I highly encourage you to check out the podcast.

See You In September...

...But not October. My insurance agent pointed out the other day that I have had an accident in almost every October since I started driving in 2002! They have ranged from almost no damage to my car being completely totaled. Some were my fault, some were the other driver's, some were caused by nature (gravel roads...).

What is the deal? I mean I really have to wonder at this! Why October? Why me??
10/10/02: One month after (finally) receiving my license, a lady T-bones me in my dad's Avalanche. The accident is deemed my fault (though she admitted later that she "looked up" and there I was) because I was the younger driver. She tries to sue me for prexisting conditions in her daughter. It's dropped.
10/06/04: In stop and go traffic I rear-end a lady in my Bug (the "Booger"). My bumper is damaged, she ends up being fine.
10/24/05: A Ford Explorer turns left in front of me at Hwy 380 and Custer on my way to work. I'm traveling at approximately 65MPH. Both cars are totaled (poor Booger...:sniff:), he has minimal injuries, my back is now jacked up for life. (In all honesty, it is a miracle that both of us were fine. The accident could have very easily killed either of us.) His insurace accepts only 60% liability so I have to sue to cover the lost wages, semester of classes and therapy (physical and massage). Praise God, I received a phone call from my attorney yesterday and they have finally given a fair settlement offer. Two years later, that junk is finally over.
His car: I hit the passenger side and ended up on the driver's side.
The police told my parents if anyone else had been in the car, they
would not have survived. The door was pried open to get him out.


My car..


I really loved my Booger...


From the inside

10/29/06: Leaving church, a lady decides to slam on her breaks because she was not paying attention. I rear-end her. She needs a new muffler, I have a nice hickey on the hood of my then 2-month-old car.
I cannot recall for certain, but October of 2003 may have been when I spun out on a gravel road with my brother in the car. The car was old enough and the damages so minimal that it was never reported. Scary stuff though.

SO. If you want to see me this October, you'll have to come visit me. I'll be in a bubble.