I Stand Amazed (Part 2)

I feel like someone went into my head and turned what was there to scrambled eggs. It's all just a big, confusing heap of mush. Please, God, give me a day without thinking so my poor brain can heal...

So just in case the first week of the Masculinity series wasn't enough, God (via Matt) decided to throw this week at us. I've had so many jumbled-up thoughts swirling about in my head for the last two weeks now. When I try to talk to others about this series and how it's been affecting me, the typical response I get is, "You do know he's talking to the men, right?" Yes, I know that. God has been revealing a lot to me in spite of that though, it would seem. This Sunday brought even more painful revelations - and a lot of humility.
First off, I need to apologize to the men in my life to whom I have not been an encouragement. There are several specific men who will receive direct and detailed apologies because they have had to deal with me more. To the rest, I sincerely and from the bottom of my heart apologize if I have discouraged you or nagged. How frequently in my life I have done this! It is not at all a pleasant feeling to have someone tell you that you have been entirely the wrong kind of person until now. How hard it is to hear what you've done wrong in probably every relationship, both romantic and platonic. I need to be a woman who breathes life into the souls of the men whom God places in my life.
God's revealed a lot of junk in my life just since Sunday. Yesterday found me journaling for nearly five pages just trying to understand what's going on within me. I told a dear friend that I often become frustrated, as it feels that my journal is more full of questions than anything else. Pour example, one week Matt insists that we do not need another person to be complete. Agreed. But then the next week, he tells us that Adam was not finished until he had a "suitable" helper? So I'm supposed to be discontent with being single, as I'm not designed to be this way, but I'm supposed to be content with being single because this is how God wants me right now? Where is the balance and how does one find it?
And then He reveals that I don't trust Him enough with my relationships (particularly romantic). It seems so ridiculously simple a sentence. I can assure you that it was not so simple to realize. We're talking really rough. It's taken me three to four years to understand this! Three or four years of jacking up relationships and a horrible cycle of hurting both myself and others. Why? Why did it take so long? Why do I do this? So from here I trust more. How on earth do I do this?? "Pray" and "read the Bible" aren't going to work here. I need real, honest, practical answers. It will only be by His grace that I am given the strength, perseverance and endurance to truly trust Him with this.
And just in case all of this wasn't enough, there was Crew Quarterly last night. (The worship teams from church are going through Wayne Grudem's Christian Beliefs: 20 Basics Every Christian Should Know together under Bleecker's leadership.) We met to discuss creation vs. evolution. My goodness! There was so much to digest! I'm not altogether sure that I understood everything and will most definitely have to go back over the twenty-one pages to try to soak it all up. The one thing I did understand clearly, though, was that our God is so good! How gracious and merciful and compassionate He is to provide us with evidences of His plan and creation. He doesn't have to leave us any, but He does! And what we are allowed to see is only a microscopic level. How big, how magnificent, how beautiful He is.

These are just some of the thoughts swimming about in the muck that is my mind. It's been a rough week, and it's only Tuesday. This is hard, this is painful, and this is frustrating. To see how much I need to change, to not know entirely how to begin it, and to still have so many ambiguous questions lurking in the corners, just waiting for an unsuspecting moment to jump out and pounce upon me. Praise God for His revelation, though. These are not comfortable thoughts, but how gracious He is to reveal them to me and not leave me to my own devices. It's hard and it hurts, but it is so much better than complacency. My mind is exhuasted and stretched to its limits. All I can think to end this is praise His glorious name.